It's just all too much, people, really

Seriously guys, it's more than I can handle.

I'm on the in with way too many famous people. It's hard for me to keep up with all the Facebook friendship requests, emails, check the box yes or no if you want to be my friend letters, phone calls, etc. I need to start implementing some type of lottery system since the number of celebs flocking to my doorstep is more than I can handle.

Wait a second. You question me? You question the feasibility that I have many illustrious acquaintances? Do you need a breakdown, a play by play, a bullet pointed presentation?

---- Well, firstly, I'm a descendant of Mary, Queen of Scots, which practically makes me modern day royalty. If the Scottish government still recognized their royal family, I would be, like, 2,745th in line to the throne. I bet that's closer than you, you measly commoner.

Seriously, the resemblance is uncanny. If she were alive today, we'd be sharing ruffs and doing each others hair.

---- Secondly, long ago, I had a deep, meaningful relationship with David Hernandez from American Idol.

"David Hernan-who?" you ask.

He was on American Idol, season I have no idea, and he made it through, like, two cuts or something. He has some night club gig here in town where they serve fancy stuff like Margaritas and Mohitos, and he has his own Wikipedia page. You know you've made it big when you're on Wikipedia. Not just anyone can post on Wikipedia. Or anyone can. I can't remember how that works. For the sake of my argument, only cool people are on Wikipedia. Anydoodle, the several times David and I spoke while working on opposite sides of the floor at Chase Bank were some of the most intense, deep conversations I've ever had. We actually made eye contact, if you can believe it. Three distinct encounters are burned into my subconscious:

"Jaylee," David said, excitedly. "Do you have any paper?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Jaylee," David said, provocatively. "The bathroom has no toilet paper. Can you call maintenance?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Jaylee," David said, earth-shatteringly. "The paper you provided gave me a paper cut. Do you have a band-aid you'rehotdoyouwanttogooutwithme?"

"Yes," I answered.

All the photographer had to say was "Think about all the paper clips Jaylee has given you," and then he snapped this shot. Is there nothing sexier than a man's armpit hair? I would venture to say there's not.

Come on people? How much more proof do you need?


---- Thirdly, and I'm not sure what the draw is, American Idol alums seem to be lining up outside my door (of the building I go to church at). I know you know (even though I didn't know) who David Archuleta is. Well, and you may want to sit down for this, David actually SAT THROUGH AN ENTIRE SACRAMENT MEETING IN OUR WARD! He was sitting right in back of me, I'm sure the entire time looking at my hair. I'm thankful I remembered to rinse and repeat that morning. He came, we dined on bread and water together, and then unfortunately he had to leave before the teenage girls flocked to him for an autographed picture of me. He promised that he would remember our brief hour together; there's a reason his song is named Crush.



---- Fourthly, I'm not just famous amongst the celebrities. I also have many politicians in my back pocket. I once ate breakfast in the booth next to Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman, and the mayor of Honolulu almost came to our ward for church. Did you hear that? ALMOST CAME TO OUR WARD FOR CHURCH! That's closer than you've ever gotten to churching with Honolulu Mayor What'sHisName.


---- Fifthly, look who I'm bestest friends with in the whole wide world. MybestfriendsAprilandRyanSauerarefamous. That's right, my closest friends on the entire Mother Earth are featured in the May issue of Phoenix Home and Garden, which like, everybody subscribes to, right? April and I are tight. We're like this (I'm crossing my fingers right now). She recently asked me to bake her two loaves of banana bread. Not one, but two! How lucky am I? We've painted each others toenails and pillow fought in our underwear (wait....have I crossed over into Ryan's fantasies?), and she recently left her son's shoes at my house.

That's how BFF we are. She actually trusts me to care for her son's shoes. They'll be up on Ebay in a few days if you want to bid. Under my advice and direction, they've started a blog to showcase their many crunchy granola lifestyle choices. You can check it out here.

---- Sixthly and lastly, it's worth mentioning that my friend's therapist is best friends with Stephanie Meyer's best friend, and my aunt once dated a family member of the girl who was in Point Break and A League of Their Own. So, I practically know Keanu Reeves and Madonna. I call Stephanie, Steph.


And so ends the proof. Due to the various renowned acquaintances I have, I myself am glossy 8x10 ready. Now, who wants to be my publicist? Does anybody want my leftover banana peel?

Asher eating eggs from our chickens with a plastic fork

HAPPY EARTH DAY!!




Here's to a day full of ironies.

How To Re-Do Your Coffee Table

Step 1. Find a coffee table to re-do. I happened to have this one just lying around my living room. It was kismet, I tell you.






Step 2. Research the dickens out of how to refinish a coffee table.

Step 3. Compile a long list of different products to use, methods to enact, prayers to chant.

Step 4. Throw out your research because it's all too confusing and decide to just wing it.

Step 5. Sand the freak out of the coffee table.

Step 6. Don't spray on a primer coat, even thought it was suggested.

Step 7. Spray on black satin paint in long, clumpy, uneven coats.

Step 8. Let dry in between coats and do step 7 a bunch more times.

Step 9. Let dry outside while you watch bugs land on it's shiny, wet surface, and get stuck.

Step 10. Remove the bugs.

Step 11. Sand the freak out of the coffee table, only this time, have your husband do it since he is much more mindful of the aesthetic qualities needed to give it an antiquey look, or you can try it yourself like I did, screw it up, and then turn it over to your husband. It's your funeral.

Step 12. Lug the coffee table, by yourself, onto your kitchen table.

Step 13. Mix a stain with some glaze. Don't measure anything, don't try to figure out why you're mixing the two products, just do it because someone else's blog said that's what you're supposed to do.

Step 14. Slop the stain/glaze mixture unevenly over the entire table, and then just as unevenly and sloppily, wipe it off with a rag.

Step 15. Make a HUGE mess.






Step 16. Decide you'll be needing to throw this bowl out after your done.







Step 17. Kinda start to dig the way it looks.







Step 18. Complete one of the messiest, stain producing activities ever invented, without changing out of the brand new, Ann Taylor pajamas your husband purchased for you for Christmas because you just couldn't be bothered with walking the 15 feet to your bedroom to change into something more practical. You know, because lugging a coffee table 5 feet into the air by yourself is cake, but moving your arms and legs around to change your clothes just all seems like too much.







Step 19. Let dry outside while you watch bugs land onto it's shiny, wet surface, and get stuck.

Step 20. Remove the bugs.

Step 21. Haul it inside, plop your feet on it, and thrill yourself to bits that you just changed the entire look of your previously fugly coffee table.

Step 22. Look at the back of your shoes and notice they're smudged with black.

Step 23. Review your thrown out list to see what the problem may be.

Step 24. Drive to Home Depot (the one you should own by now with all the freakin money you've spent in there) and purchase a spray poly top coat.

Step 25. Spray on a poly top coat in long, clumpy, uneven coats.

Step 26. Let dry in between coats and do step #25 a bunch more times.

Step 27. Let dry outside while you watch bugs land onto it's shiny, wet surface, and get stuck.

Step 28. Remove the bugs.

Step 29. Bring it in your house, take a picture, start the blog post for it, and publish it 4 months later.







That's it. You too can re-do your coffee table in 29 easy steps. Clear as mud?

Tout petit pain, avec beurre, crème fromage, tomate, et sel

It's time to share with you my all-time favorite meal. I'd like to think I invented this dish. In my short 31 years, I've eaten this meal many times, but it wasn't until I was married that I perfected it, and I am finally ready to impart it's deliciousness.

The official recipe is so aptly named tout petit pain, avec beurre, crème fromage, tomate, et sel. Please set your mouse to scroll, as I have many pictures included in this tutorial. You must follow each step carefully, so as not to disrupt the harmonious nature the ingredients have with one another.



Step 1: Toast an Everything Bagel.

In my earlier years, before my children existed to hinder my carefree nature, I embarked on a bagel tour. My travels took me to many exotic locals: Frys, Bashas, Costco, Chompies, etc. I sampled many different bagels, all subtly different, yet easily distinguishable from one another. I finally settled on the perfect brand to act as my petit pain. It had the ideal ratio of sesame seed to salt, the perfect amount of chewyness, and flawless post-toasted browning. The brand: Thomas; The store: Unlimited: The cost: You can't put a price on perfection. Please, when making this recipe, do it justice; don't buy some flimsy knockoff that will harden as soon as it's out of the toaster. Bagels from a grocery store's bakery have been sitting for days, molested by harmful tongs, and exposed to the hardening air-borne agents. At the very least, make sure you purchase bagels that have been lovingly encased in protective plastic. Chompies runs a close second, although if you purchase the Chompies brand at Costco, you must purchase 2 packages, which is too much for my little family to eat before mold begins to ravage the uneaten, helpless bagels. But I digress. Purchase what you may, but if you find you don't enjoy the dish, you have only yourself to blame.

Step 2: Butter Your Everything Bagel.

The saltier the butter, the better. If using a stick of butter, make sure it's at room temperature. Bagels are delicate flowers, and cannot withstand a pillaging knife trying to spread cold butter.

Step 3: Apply Cream Cheese

Yes, that's right. Apply cream cheese. Apply it right on top of the butter. The creamy in the cream cheese is what gives it a creamier taste. The butter in the butter is what gives it a buttier taste. Add those flavors together and all the world will open up it's marvels before your eyes. Be careful when applying the cream cheese; I suggest you use spreadable cream cheese from the tub, rather than the block. It's much easier to work with, and will do less damage to the bagel. If you must use the block because you're too lazy to go to the store to purchase the tub, you're not good enough to eat this meal, and have no business attempting to recreate this recipe, or read this blog for that matter. Click on the x in the upper right hand corner and begone with you.

Now that they've departed, continue on with your spreading. A nice even coat of cream cheese is all you need.

Step 4: Position Your Tomatoes

Roma tomatoes are the best for this recipe since they are smaller in size and one large Roma tomato, if sliced properly, will be enough to cover both pieces. I've no witty banter regarding the applying of the tomatoes, except that if you lovingly talk to them before laying them down, they may be a lot less likely to cause gastrointestinal (wow, I spelled that right on my first try (hook-ed on pa-honix work-ed for meh! If you have no idea what that means, you must listen to this) issues.

Step 5: Apply The Salt

If upon close inspection, you still can't see the salt, continue shaking.

Step 6: Cautiously Enjoy.

Confucius say "Each bite you take is one less bite you'll have to take."

Before enjoying the fruits of your labor, sit back and admire it's beauty. I usually smell it a bit to activate whatever glandular type objects I have in my mouth.




Step 7: Eat The Correct Piece

Make sure you begin by eating the top of the bagel first. The top of the bagel is the piece that has the bulk of the flavorings that give the Everything Bagel it's Everything. That way, as you're eating oh so carefully over your plate, whatever seasonings fall onto the plate can then be swiped up with the bottom/lesser seasoned/totally neglected side of the bagel.

Now, I'm not totally heartless. I have many friends that are probably saying to themselves "Jaylee, this recipe you've created and shared with me looks so tantalizing, but I'm grappling with my (depending on which friend I'm speaking of) ovo-vegeanism/lactose intolerant/ gluten free/hormonally challenged/just plain weird eater, and I want to enjoy your recipe. Do you possibly have a vegan/lactose free/gluten free/hormonal free/just plain weird version of your recipe?"

Why, yes. Yes I do.

Enjoy you freaks, and go ahead and click on the x in the upper right hand corner.

For all the others out there, be careful. I've been known to take pleasure in two servings of this baby in one sitting. It's my most favorite thing in all the many worlds to eat.

Stupid, stupid, disgusting chickens

It wouldn't stop them even if they knew.

Tai Chi and me (plus a few others)

To begin with, I'd like to apologize to several of my friends. They were unfortunately on the receiving end of a few of my grumblings. These grumbles occurred prior to a family vacation, about which I was very apprehensive. The next time I start complaining, please remind me that after the initial stress of planning and preparing, I will have a marvelous time. Or, just redirect me by bringing up a fabulous recipe you invented on the spot involving Doritos and tomatoes.

I was hesitant about this trip because it was going to involve camping and sand in my underwear. Had we planned a trip to the beach, and were staying in a hotel, I would have been singing the sweet song of happiness, rather than the doom and gloom of misery. My largest fear was that my kids would tire of the beach after the first day. I had a friend send me a long list of California activities in case we found ourselves with bored children and nothing to do. To my surprise my children wanted nothing more than to play on the beach. This was fantastic because all I wanted to do was sit on the beach and watch my children play. All was swell and enjoyable. Even the homeless lady who shared our campsite was somewhat comical. She sat in her tiny tent, listened to our conversations, and enjoyed bringing up tidbits from previous exchanges Clint and I had made to each other.  In private. She called the kids and us by our first names, without being formally introduced. She was also very knowledgeable on how to become a state of California resident, raccoons, and resisting arrest. What I'm supposed to do with that 30 minute long awkward conversation, I'm not sure, but maybe someday it'll come in handy. She was loony, but sweet.

During the short 5 day stay, my children joyfully ran away from the waves,







and I did this.







While my child and a friend steadied each other at the onset of a wave,







I reflected on my habit of buttering both sides of my toast, wondering why it hasn't caught on.







While the children did the obligatory 'stay in one spot and let your feet sink into the sand as the wave recedes',







I perfected the Tai Chi art of sitting-stork-wears-sunglasses-with-folded-arms-and-crossed-legs.







While the children bravely let the chilly, icy waves splash on their bare, 1% fat content bodies,







I wondered how much money I would need to be offered before I would drink out of a toilet.







Holes were dug,







in which children were placed,







in which children screamed.







Sand castles were abandoned.







"The Duke" was amazingly good at surfing,







as well as amazingly good at aquatic ballet.






To change the balance towards the positive, another Duke surf pic must be displayed.







Clint also tried his hand at surfing.







Just kidding; he wishes he had a red board.



He was much better at doing this,







while I was perfecting this (again),







and the child did this.







A highlight of the vacation was the tide pools. Many an hour of gleeful screaming was spent searching for crabs, snails, sea anemones, and dodging gull poo.







The End.

I'm Well On My Way To Hemp Clothing And Smelling Like Patchouli

Compost +







Fertile Dirt +







A Husband's Ripped Jeans (that unfortunately fit me) +







A Bunch Of Vegetables That Look Like Lettuce +







Unhelpful Children +







Two Stupid Chickens =







My Personal Biosphere 3 Minus A Million Dollar Price Tag And The Creepy People Inside