Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It's just all too much, people, really

Seriously guys, it's more than I can handle.

I'm on the in with way too many famous people. It's hard for me to keep up with all the Facebook friendship requests, emails, check the box yes or no if you want to be my friend letters, phone calls, etc. I need to start implementing some type of lottery system since the number of celebs flocking to my doorstep is more than I can handle.

Wait a second. You question me? You question the feasibility that I have many illustrious acquaintances? Do you need a breakdown, a play by play, a bullet pointed presentation?

---- Well, firstly, I'm a descendant of Mary, Queen of Scots, which practically makes me modern day royalty. If the Scottish government still recognized their royal family, I would be, like, 2,745th in line to the throne. I bet that's closer than you, you measly commoner.

Mary Scots

Seriously, the resemblance is uncanny. If she were alive today, we'd be sharing ruffs and doing each others hair.

---- Secondly, long ago, I had a deep, meaningful relationship with David Hernandez from American Idol.

"David Hernan-who?" you ask.

He was on American Idol, season I have no idea, and he made it through, like, two cuts or something. He has some night club gig here in town where they serve fancy stuff like Margaritas and Mohitos, and he has his own Wikipedia page. You know you've made it big when you're on Wikipedia. Not just anyone can post on Wikipedia. Or anyone can. I can't remember how that works. For the sake of my argument, only cool people are on Wikipedia. Anydoodle, the several times David and I spoke while working on opposite sides of the floor at Chase Bank were some of the most intense, deep conversations I've ever had. We actually made eye contact, if you can believe it. Three distinct encounters are burned into my subconscious:

"Jaylee," David said, excitedly. "Do you have any paper?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Jaylee," David said, provocatively. "The bathroom has no toilet paper. Can you call maintenance?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Jaylee," David said, earth-shatteringly. "The paper you provided gave me a paper cut. Do you have a band-aid

"Yes," I answered.


All the photographer had to say was "Think about all the paper clips Jaylee has given you," and then he snapped this shot. Is there nothing sexier than a man's armpit hair? I would venture to say there's not.

Come on people? How much more proof do you need?

---- Thirdly, and I'm not sure what the draw is, American Idol alums seem to be lining up outside my door (of the building I go to church at). I know you know (even though I didn't know) who David Archuleta is. Well, and you may want to sit down for this, David actually SAT THROUGH AN ENTIRE SACRAMENT MEETING IN OUR WARD! He was sitting right in back of me, I'm sure the entire time looking at my hair. I'm thankful I remembered to rinse and repeat that morning. He came, we dined on bread and water together, and then unfortunately he had to leave before the teenage girls flocked to him for an autographed picture of me. He promised that he would remember our brief hour together; there's a reason his song is named Crush.

---- Fourthly, I'm not just famous amongst the celebrities. I also have many politicians in my back pocket. I once ate breakfast in the booth next to Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman, and the mayor of Honolulu almost came to our ward for church. Did you hear that? ALMOST CAME TO OUR WARD FOR CHURCH! That's closer than you've ever gotten to churching with Honolulu Mayor What'sHisName.

---- Fifthly, look who I'm bestest friends with in the whole wide world. MybestfriendsAprilandRyanSauerarefamous. That's right, my closest friends on the entire Mother Earth are featured in the May issue of Phoenix Home and Garden, which like, everybody subscribes to, right? April and I are tight. We're like this (I'm crossing my fingers right now). She recently asked me to bake her two loaves of banana bread. Not one, but two! How lucky am I? We've painted each others toenails and pillow fought in our underwear (wait....have I crossed over into Ryan's fantasies?), and she recently left her son's shoes at my house.


That's how BFF we are. She actually trusts me to care for her son's shoes. They'll be up on Ebay in a few days if you want to bid. Under my advice and direction, they've started a blog to showcase their many crunchy granola lifestyle choices. You can check it out here.

---- Sixthly and lastly, it's worth mentioning that my friend's therapist is best friends with Stephanie Meyer's best friend, and my aunt once dated a family member of the girl who was in Point Break and A League of Their Own. So, I practically know Keanu Reeves and Madonna. I call Stephanie, Steph.

And so ends the proof. Due to the various renowned acquaintances I have, I myself am glossy 8x10 ready. Now, who wants to be my publicist? Does anybody want my leftover banana peel?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Asher eating eggs from our chickens with a plastic fork



Here's to a day full of ironies.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How To Re-Do Your Coffee Table

Step 1. Find a coffee table to re-do. I happened to have this one just lying around my living room. It was kismet, I tell you.


Step 2. Research the dickens out of how to refinish a coffee table.

Step 3. Compile a long list of different products to use, methods to enact, prayers to chant.

Step 4. Throw out your research because it's all too confusing and decide to just wing it.

Step 5. Sand the freak out of the coffee table.

Step 6. Don't spray on a primer coat, even thought it was suggested.

Step 7. Spray on black satin paint in long, clumpy, uneven coats.

Step 8. Let dry in between coats and do step 7 a bunch more times.

Step 9. Let dry outside while you watch bugs land on it's shiny, wet surface, and get stuck.

Step 10. Remove the bugs.

Step 11. Sand the freak out of the coffee table, only this time, have your husband do it since he is much more mindful of the aesthetic qualities needed to give it an antiquey look, or you can try it yourself like I did, screw it up, and then turn it over to your husband. It's your funeral.

Step 12. Lug the coffee table, by yourself, onto your kitchen table.

Step 13. Mix a stain with some glaze. Don't measure anything, don't try to figure out why you're mixing the two products, just do it because someone else's blog said that's what you're supposed to do.

Step 14. Slop the stain/glaze mixture unevenly over the entire table, and then just as unevenly and sloppily, wipe it off with a rag.

Step 15. Make a HUGE mess.


Step 16. Decide you'll be needing to throw this bowl out after your done.


Step 17. Kinda start to dig the way it looks.


Step 18. Complete one of the messiest, stain producing activities ever invented, without changing out of the brand new, Ann Taylor pajamas your husband purchased for you for Christmas because you just couldn't be bothered with walking the 15 feet to your bedroom to change into something more practical. You know, because lugging a coffee table 5 feet into the air by yourself is cake, but moving your arms and legs around to change your clothes just all seems like too much.


Step 19. Let dry outside while you watch bugs land onto it's shiny, wet surface, and get stuck.

Step 20. Remove the bugs.

Step 21. Haul it inside, plop your feet on it, and thrill yourself to bits that you just changed the entire look of your previously fugly coffee table.

Step 22. Look at the back of your shoes and notice they're smudged with black.

Step 23. Review your thrown out list to see what the problem may be.

Step 24. Drive to Home Depot (the one you should own by now with all the freakin money you've spent in there) and purchase a spray poly top coat.

Step 25. Spray on a poly top coat in long, clumpy, uneven coats.

Step 26. Let dry in between coats and do step #25 a bunch more times.

Step 27. Let dry outside while you watch bugs land onto it's shiny, wet surface, and get stuck.

Step 28. Remove the bugs.

Step 29. Bring it in your house, take a picture, start the blog post for it, and publish it 4 months later.


That's it. You too can re-do your coffee table in 29 easy steps. Clear as mud?