Tuesday, August 2, 2011

about backpacking

Camping is a bit masochistic, no?  Yet I continue to endure it.  It's difficult and dirty and hot and cold and dirty and tiring and dirty. And while camping is all of those things, this past weekend we Draneys and Sauers made things more difficult, if that's even possible, by packing everything onto our backs and walking a mile away from the dedicated ipod charger that is our car.


After the exhausting mile hike up the most treacherous terrain known to man, also referred to as Horton Creek Trail 1: Grade Gentle, we picked the site we deemed would be most suitable for unicorn sitings...

Forest Unicorn

... and a few gypsy children were spotted as well.


This gypsy girl gave a convincing modelesque pose...


...and of course man did the stupid manly stuff that man does when he's in the manly wilderness environment.


It's the poor, wincing manly-man on the bottom who came up with the grand idea to leave our DVRs and memory foam pillows.  Meals consisted of virtually weightless Mountain House dehydrated beef teriyaki, oatmeal, and a bag of crushed, dry peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Trader Joes sponsored our excursion by providing us with plenty of dehydrated fruit to snack on, as well as a carton of mush that once resembled inside-out carrot cookies that someone thought would last the trek smashed between 2 sleeping bags (all fingers point to myself). We truly lived off the land and used the creek to supply our water for cooking, washing, and re-hydrating.

We only suffered through a few injuries -
a broken toe of a 4 year old after a powerful stubbing and a thrown out back by the 34 year old Clintly-manly-man after trying to escape what he claimed to be a fire-breathing wasp (fly).

I did my best to steal this baby's affections...


... and while her mother slept in until 9am(!!), the cutest baby in existence napped on my shoulder while I whispered subconscious disapproval about her mother still sleeping even though the baby and her brothers had been up since 6am and I would never do that to her and I would never take her backpacking if she didn't want to go and I'll always give her cookies for dinner...


Asher somehow managed to become more God-like in that he suddenly became buoyant enough to walk on water...


... oh, nope, that's just a rock he's standing on which makes more sense since somehow he managed to set the world record for being tattled on for bad behavior 54.9 times in the span of 24 hours.

Good highlights you ask? I'd have to say it was my friend's fabulous pork burrito I finished off at the Mexican restaurant we dined in on the way up to Payson, and the mushroom, garlic, tomato pizza we ate on the way out.  Trend alert:  I like food.

crap, I guess maybe the good company and memories can be considered highlights, but please but don't tell Clint or Ryan I said that since they'll throw it in my face when I say no to the next backpacking trip.

Monday, July 11, 2011

about cheesy yearbook quotes

Stay Sweet!
Don't Change!
2 Good 2 B 4-gotten!
Have A Kick Butt Summer!
1953 called and wants their hat back.
Why do your lips look weird?

Cannon Ball

Thursday, June 23, 2011

about losing my stuff

We're going to play a little game called WHERE IS JAYLEE'S WALLET and/or KEYS and/or PHONE and/or WEDDING RING?

At any time, I'm unable locate one or more of these objects. My wedding ring comes in first place as the most sought after article. I frequently remove it to wash my hands, clean the dishes, scratch my bum bum, etc., and I place it on whatever pseudo-flat surface is within arms reach. Last week it was precariously placed on the top of the couch's arm rest where it rested for several days. A year ago, my ring went missing for several weeks and after much searching, I assumed it had fallen out of my pocket (another favorite place I keep it) in some parking lot. To my great relief, I finally found it shoved in the crease of our couch. Afterwards, I vowed to always know where my ring was. That lasted about 9 minutes. Clint once found my ring amongst the carpet fibers on our bedroom floor and seized an opportunity to teach me a lesson. I quickly noticed it was MIA, and searched for several days, not letting it be known to Clint that anything was amiss, unaware that he had full knowledge of it's hidden location and was enjoying my panic. Tird.

The Second place/First loser reigning champ is my wallet. Recently, on a grocery shopping excursion, I grabbed for my wallet as I was getting out of the car, only to find it wasn't there, nor in any other of it's usual 12 spots. I figured it must have been left behind at Sunflower. Without panic, I drove back, secretly thanking the stars that I had left it at a Sunflower rather than a Walmart. Isn't that a terrible thing to say? I associate Sunflower with hippy-dippy, Merrel clad, curry smelling folk who wouldn't dare rock Mother Earth's boat by keeping a wallet's contents for themselves. I associate Walmart with hip-hoppy, nike clad, $5 Little Caeser's pizza take-out smelling individuals who would probably flip off Mother Earth if she unintentionally cut in front of them at a Redbox. I found my wallet in the cart I used, the cart that I had precariously positioned between 4 conjoining parking spots (I'm a lazy cart put-er away-er). Crisis averted.

I made my way to Walmart, bought my Herdez salsa (only $1.68!), and continued on to Frys. As I was getting out of the car, I noticed my phone was missing. I was certain that it came into Walmart with me, and I got in the car and drove back to Walmart. I looked for my strategically placed cart, only to find the parking lot had recently been swept. I spoke with the greeter, my checkout lady, and I backtracked my shopping path, only to come up empty handed. Customer service was a bust, suggesting that I call my phone (with what?). When I got home and had a phone, I called my cell, fully expecting to hear it ringing from some recess of the car, only to have someone answer it. Walmart's customer service was in possession of my phone and had been while I was at the store asking about it. They required that I fully explain my background image before releasing it back to me.

It's an inappropriate picture of a 4 year old?

Butched up Leeloo

I think I'm doomed and won't learn anything meaningful from these near misses until one time I actually come up empty handed. Any words of advice?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

about sandwiches

Emma's girl scout troop volunteered to prepare 100 sack lunches for distribution through the Phoenix Rescue Mission, which is an organization that serves the Phoenix homeless. Five squirrely 9 year olds got together and pb&j'ed the heck out of 200 slices of bread. After the bags were packed and the sandwiches were sufficiently squished underneath bottles of water and granola bars, I offered to drop them off at the Mission's main campus, which was located inside a dilapidated industrial park in downtown Phoenix.  Asher was going to tag along, so I took the opportunity to explain to him what exactly we were doing and how our actions were benefiting those less fortunate. He was very interested in the fact that people can live outside rather than in a home and he asked where they slept. I told him that I've seen quite a few gentlemen sleeping on park benches.  To him that sounds like the ideal situation - play at the park, sleep on the bench, and repeat. As I pulled up to the center to speak with the gate keeper, I noticed there were at least 30 men of the homeless variety milling around the gated entrance (and by gated I mean a locked barbed wire fence). Asher noticed the men as well and quickly seized an opportunity. He proceeded to take off his seat belt, roll down his window, and stick half his body out of the car to yell loudly


Asher at Old Navy

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

about Easter

A comparative look between my Passover Seder and the Internet's Passover Seder

A respectable Jewish family's Seder pic lifted from Wikipedia

Elijah's cup is the understated silver goblet downstage


My Grandmother's Seder

Seder Table


Martha Stewart's adaptation of a Seder place setting


My Grandmother's adaptation of a Seder place setting


What Mrs. Stewart does with her Matzo crackers


What we do with ours


Emma showcasing a few of the 10 plagues - Frogs, Lice, Locusts...


and Darkness


10 minutes prior to Seder


10 minutes into Seder


11 minutes prior to Seder


11 minutes into Seder


and after all that Seder business was over, we Draney's celebrated Christ's death via Zombie Booth (the most disturbing app ever)


Monday, April 25, 2011

about customer service

Are there any among you who are as irritated as I with Hobby Lobby's method of ringing up merchandise? Hand entering prices is antiquated, and it makes for very sloppy receipts since I have to pencil all over them to remind myself what I purchased.  SCRAPBOOK ITEM is vague. They hand count every item - there is no computer keeping a tally.  I recently purchased 10 of the same item, and while I was at the cashier, we both took turns counting them. Twice I came up with the number 10, and twice he came up with the number 11. He stared at me, willing me to break and agree with his 11.
I broke and said "fine, ring it up for 11."

As most of my purchases go, days later I decided to return my 10/11 items. Lo and behold, the returns cashier counted 10 items, and proceeded to credit me for only 10 items.

Breezy Jaylee - "Oh, you only credited me for 10 items. The receipt says that I purchased 11 items, but that's only because one of your cashier's counted incorrectly."

Cashier - "Hmm, well, I can only credit you for the items that you're returning, which are 10."

Ironic Jaylee - "Yes, but when the cashier was ringing them up, he and I took turns counting and I kept counting 10 and he kept counting 11, and we ultimately decided to go with his count. "

Cashier - "I understand, but since you're only returning 10 items, I can only credit you for 10 items."

Flabbergasted Jaylee - "Why would I by 11 items? Doesn't that seem like a weird number? I know I only took 10 items from your store that day, and I was incorrectly charged for an additional item."

At this point she calls the manager over and explains the situation.

Manager - "We can't credit you for an item that we don't have at the time of return."

Furious Jaylee - "Look, I shop at Hobby Lobby all the time, more than I do your competitors. I understand your policy, but it was YOUR cashier's mistake. Can you please credit me for that additional item, and chalk it up to good customer service?"

The managers turns to the cashier and says "Just give her the credit."

I was returning scrapbook paper on sale for $.05 each.  Cha ching!  It's the principle people. 

Friday, April 15, 2011

about real important stuff

True things -

The older-ly ladies at LAFitness have NO qualms with the nude female form. While in the buff, Myrtle and Gertrude had a lengthy conversation about embroidery floss.

After 20 minutes or so, your spinach and blueberry smoothie will cease to look bluish/purple and will revert to it's default color of greenish/brown.


My Iphone is much more user friendly than Clint's Droid Incredible.

I'm fascinated with Utah's culture, but would not, could not, ever live there, unless supposing I were elected Emperor of Utah.

If I were elected Emperor of Utah, I would ban the word "Anthro".  It's Anthroplogie, people.  And stop shopping there so much.  That sweater you bought yesterday could have paid for 1 child's cleft palate surgery in Africa.

There's nothing hotter than a man in an apron holding a pile of raw meat.


When people start a sentence with "I don't mean to brag" I think, in fact, they do.

I don't know how to say no. I can barely type it. That's why I don't answer my phone.

Doritos and Tomatoes.

Tomato and Dorito Sandwich

Being inquisitive isn't considered nosy when you're Diane Rehm.

I frequently confuse the words Entomology and Etymology.

The rebel in the white shirt must have the darnedest time finding tattoo-showcasing apparel in his town of Cedar City, Utah. Cruella on his right stole his jeans from an 11 year old girl.


Passive aggressive behavior: Blech.

It's annoying when people start most of their sentences with "I heard on NPR the other day....". I never do that.

I heard on NPR the other day that Glenn was leaving Fox. Poor Glenn. No more hour long sessions standing in front of a whiteboard, sketching out a complicated diagram of the world's demise which inevitably sends me running to Costco for a 20 lb bag of rice.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

about the saucer breast

A friend recently came across the silliest nursing cover in existence.


Does "nursing cover" come to mind? All I can see (or not see since it's camouflaged, yuk yuk) is "flying saucer".

Depending on surrounding company, I may or may not choose to use a cover while I'm nursing.  I seem to have become a bit more brazen, so come my 6th kid, I won't even bother wearing a shirt. A blanket has sufficed when needed, so I've found that all the new en vogue "hooter hiders" are overkill. 

It's intended purpose, in case the picture's point didn't come across, is to be used as follows -

silly nursing cover

The website touts it's a modern bonnet, but how can it be modern when I found it's Arizona version while thrifting at an antique store?

Arizona Nursing Cover

In case you'd like to grab one of these puppies for yourself, here's the website. I promise I won't laugh too hard.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

about Asher-loo

Asher was recently in and out of a room where The 5th Element was viewing. Later, he was inspired to channel Leeloo, but in a butched up manner. Leeloo was certainly well represented, but somehow using mom's elastic hairbands curbed the desired butchness that even a sword and batman mask couldn't rectify.


Butched up Leeloo