Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It's just all too much, people, really

Seriously guys, it's more than I can handle.

I'm on the in with way too many famous people. It's hard for me to keep up with all the Facebook friendship requests, emails, check the box yes or no if you want to be my friend letters, phone calls, etc. I need to start implementing some type of lottery system since the number of celebs flocking to my doorstep is more than I can handle.

Wait a second. You question me? You question the feasibility that I have many illustrious acquaintances? Do you need a breakdown, a play by play, a bullet pointed presentation?

---- Well, firstly, I'm a descendant of Mary, Queen of Scots, which practically makes me modern day royalty. If the Scottish government still recognized their royal family, I would be, like, 2,745th in line to the throne. I bet that's closer than you, you measly commoner.

Mary Scots

Seriously, the resemblance is uncanny. If she were alive today, we'd be sharing ruffs and doing each others hair.

---- Secondly, long ago, I had a deep, meaningful relationship with David Hernandez from American Idol.

"David Hernan-who?" you ask.

He was on American Idol, season I have no idea, and he made it through, like, two cuts or something. He has some night club gig here in town where they serve fancy stuff like Margaritas and Mohitos, and he has his own Wikipedia page. You know you've made it big when you're on Wikipedia. Not just anyone can post on Wikipedia. Or anyone can. I can't remember how that works. For the sake of my argument, only cool people are on Wikipedia. Anydoodle, the several times David and I spoke while working on opposite sides of the floor at Chase Bank were some of the most intense, deep conversations I've ever had. We actually made eye contact, if you can believe it. Three distinct encounters are burned into my subconscious:

"Jaylee," David said, excitedly. "Do you have any paper?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Jaylee," David said, provocatively. "The bathroom has no toilet paper. Can you call maintenance?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Jaylee," David said, earth-shatteringly. "The paper you provided gave me a paper cut. Do you have a band-aid

"Yes," I answered.


All the photographer had to say was "Think about all the paper clips Jaylee has given you," and then he snapped this shot. Is there nothing sexier than a man's armpit hair? I would venture to say there's not.

Come on people? How much more proof do you need?

---- Thirdly, and I'm not sure what the draw is, American Idol alums seem to be lining up outside my door (of the building I go to church at). I know you know (even though I didn't know) who David Archuleta is. Well, and you may want to sit down for this, David actually SAT THROUGH AN ENTIRE SACRAMENT MEETING IN OUR WARD! He was sitting right in back of me, I'm sure the entire time looking at my hair. I'm thankful I remembered to rinse and repeat that morning. He came, we dined on bread and water together, and then unfortunately he had to leave before the teenage girls flocked to him for an autographed picture of me. He promised that he would remember our brief hour together; there's a reason his song is named Crush.

---- Fourthly, I'm not just famous amongst the celebrities. I also have many politicians in my back pocket. I once ate breakfast in the booth next to Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman, and the mayor of Honolulu almost came to our ward for church. Did you hear that? ALMOST CAME TO OUR WARD FOR CHURCH! That's closer than you've ever gotten to churching with Honolulu Mayor What'sHisName.

---- Fifthly, look who I'm bestest friends with in the whole wide world. MybestfriendsAprilandRyanSauerarefamous. That's right, my closest friends on the entire Mother Earth are featured in the May issue of Phoenix Home and Garden, which like, everybody subscribes to, right? April and I are tight. We're like this (I'm crossing my fingers right now). She recently asked me to bake her two loaves of banana bread. Not one, but two! How lucky am I? We've painted each others toenails and pillow fought in our underwear (wait....have I crossed over into Ryan's fantasies?), and she recently left her son's shoes at my house.


That's how BFF we are. She actually trusts me to care for her son's shoes. They'll be up on Ebay in a few days if you want to bid. Under my advice and direction, they've started a blog to showcase their many crunchy granola lifestyle choices. You can check it out here.

---- Sixthly and lastly, it's worth mentioning that my friend's therapist is best friends with Stephanie Meyer's best friend, and my aunt once dated a family member of the girl who was in Point Break and A League of Their Own. So, I practically know Keanu Reeves and Madonna. I call Stephanie, Steph.

And so ends the proof. Due to the various renowned acquaintances I have, I myself am glossy 8x10 ready. Now, who wants to be my publicist? Does anybody want my leftover banana peel?


Rachael said...

Oh Jaylee-you seriously crack me up.
You can add me to your list...I mean-my sisters were the Doublemint twins and my sister was engaged to Steve Young. I have also been in a magazine modeling clothes when I was 6 yrs old. I did go to dinner and the Geraldo show in NYC with Aaron Eckhart...seriously...I am popular too!

Ed and Bel said...

I want your banana peel for my compost pile please. =) I also need to be added to your list. Becuase I have walked and talked with several Apostles. No need to remind you of what my last name is…a relative of mine is Marion G. Romney. He might possibly be the most quoted apostle known. I served my mission with Ryan Gossling’s (the guy in The Notebook) sister, and I sat behind him in our sacrament meeting. Yes, I got to stare at the back of his head, for a missionary that is a big deal. I was secertly wanting to run my fingers through his silky blond hair, sorry that might be TMI. My sister dated Seione before he was big and made it on the biggest looser. So I should be in the background of your 8X10 picture. Love ya, Jay!

April said...

Hey, I paid 2.99 for those shoes! I better get a cut on your ebay income. But, you know, we are like this (fingers crossed). BFF's can withstand the pressures of celebrity and poparazzi, right, right? I'd hate to lose you to all of those TMZ thugs.

And, yes, the resemblance is uncanny. You and Bloody Mary are look-a-likes. But don't lose your head over the compliments. Pa ha ha!

PS I was also once on Wallace and Ladmo when I was five. I've always been a star.

Bridget said...

I am still laughing! This is great you are so funny, and famous I just didnt realize how famous you were. Well congrats on all the famousness you have and try not to get a big head and remember the little people when you get your big break.

P.S. I can always say I ate Jaylee's banana bread! lol

Sara said...

Oh Jaylee, I'd rather know you than all those other people. :-) (except April)

Plus, I used to teach Scott MacIntyre's little sister piano lessons...

Monique said...

Who wouldn't want to know you?

H said...

I hugged Frank Johnson once, does that count?! And I ran up on stage to ooh and aah at the fake Beatles. That's got to be worth something, right? How about sitting in Anita Stansfield living room and chatting with her? Please, please... can I be your BFF too?!