Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tout petit pain, avec beurre, crème fromage, tomate, et sel

It's time to share with you my all-time favorite meal. I'd like to think I invented this dish. In my short 31 years, I've eaten this meal many times, but it wasn't until I was married that I perfected it, and I am finally ready to impart it's deliciousness.

The official recipe is so aptly named tout petit pain, avec beurre, crème fromage, tomate, et sel. Please set your mouse to scroll, as I have many pictures included in this tutorial. You must follow each step carefully, so as not to disrupt the harmonious nature the ingredients have with one another.



Step 1: Toast an Everything Bagel.



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In my earlier years, before my children existed to hinder my carefree nature, I embarked on a bagel tour. My travels took me to many exotic locals: Frys, Bashas, Costco, Chompies, etc. I sampled many different bagels, all subtly different, yet easily distinguishable from one another. I finally settled on the perfect brand to act as my petit pain. It had the ideal ratio of sesame seed to salt, the perfect amount of chewyness, and flawless post-toasted browning. The brand: Thomas; The store: Unlimited: The cost: You can't put a price on perfection. Please, when making this recipe, do it justice; don't buy some flimsy knockoff that will harden as soon as it's out of the toaster. Bagels from a grocery store's bakery have been sitting for days, molested by harmful tongs, and exposed to the hardening air-borne agents. At the very least, make sure you purchase bagels that have been lovingly encased in protective plastic. Chompies runs a close second, although if you purchase the Chompies brand at Costco, you must purchase 2 packages, which is too much for my little family to eat before mold begins to ravage the uneaten, helpless bagels. But I digress. Purchase what you may, but if you find you don't enjoy the dish, you have only yourself to blame.




Step 2: Butter Your Everything Bagel.



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The saltier the butter, the better. If using a stick of butter, make sure it's at room temperature. Bagels are delicate flowers, and cannot withstand a pillaging knife trying to spread cold butter.




Step 3: Apply Cream Cheese



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Yes, that's right. Apply cream cheese. Apply it right on top of the butter. The creamy in the cream cheese is what gives it a creamier taste. The butter in the butter is what gives it a buttier taste. Add those flavors together and all the world will open up it's marvels before your eyes. Be careful when applying the cream cheese; I suggest you use spreadable cream cheese from the tub, rather than the block. It's much easier to work with, and will do less damage to the bagel. If you must use the block because you're too lazy to go to the store to purchase the tub, you're not good enough to eat this meal, and have no business attempting to recreate this recipe, or read this blog for that matter. Click on the x in the upper right hand corner and begone with you.

Now that they've departed, continue on with your spreading. A nice even coat of cream cheese is all you need.




Step 4: Position Your Tomatoes



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Roma tomatoes are the best for this recipe since they are smaller in size and one large Roma tomato, if sliced properly, will be enough to cover both pieces. I've no witty banter regarding the applying of the tomatoes, except that if you lovingly talk to them before laying them down, they may be a lot less likely to cause gastrointestinal (wow, I spelled that right on my first try (hook-ed on pa-honix work-ed for meh! If you have no idea what that means, you must listen to this) issues.




Step 5: Apply The Salt



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If upon close inspection, you still can't see the salt, continue shaking.




Step 6: Cautiously Enjoy.

Confucius say "Each bite you take is one less bite you'll have to take."

Before enjoying the fruits of your labor, sit back and admire it's beauty. I usually smell it a bit to activate whatever glandular type objects I have in my mouth.




Step 7: Eat The Correct Piece

Make sure you begin by eating the top of the bagel first. The top of the bagel is the piece that has the bulk of the flavorings that give the Everything Bagel it's Everything. That way, as you're eating oh so carefully over your plate, whatever seasonings fall onto the plate can then be swiped up with the bottom/lesser seasoned/totally neglected side of the bagel.




Now, I'm not totally heartless. I have many friends that are probably saying to themselves "Jaylee, this recipe you've created and shared with me looks so tantalizing, but I'm grappling with my (depending on which friend I'm speaking of) ovo-vegeanism/lactose intolerant/ gluten free/hormonally challenged/just plain weird eater, and I want to enjoy your recipe. Do you possibly have a vegan/lactose free/gluten free/hormonal free/just plain weird version of your recipe?"







Why, yes. Yes I do.










tomato



Enjoy you freaks, and go ahead and click on the x in the upper right hand corner.




For all the others out there, be careful. I've been known to take pleasure in two servings of this baby in one sitting. It's my most favorite thing in all the many worlds to eat.

12 comments:

Flying Princess said...

canisc

Seriously, I laughed out loud. You should write editorials for a newspaper or magazine. I love it! I'm going out to buy me a $2 bagel (the only kind we can get here) and an orange tomato (again, the only kind available) and try to do this thing justice.

PS I have a tomato salad that would rival this, maybe I'll post that one for you later.

Heather said...

my cholesterol levels shot through the roof just reading this.

Gina said...

I think a bagel party is inevitable Jaylee. You need to showcase your masterpiece and charge admission-everyone bring their favorite bagel munchie.

Rachael said...

Oh Jaylee-you crack me up! That last picture put me over the edge!!! That is hilarious!
Looks good but I cringe a bit at an everything bagel. I have never been bold enough to try one but I may just have to on your suggestion!
You really should do something with your writing talent...you really are great!

Bridget said...

you are hilarious and every time I tell my sister something you said she laughs out load and says you are hilarious too!
I never thought to put tomato on a bagel I love mine, well maybe I post about mine since I am off to the store and I could buy bagels and ...whatever I put on mine hmmm maybe I will.
Not that I will get as many laughs but it still might be funny.

April said...

Jaylee,
You are such a dork, but I must say you do have that 'je ne sais qoui' about you.
A

H said...

Absolutely LOVED the closeup on the salted tomato. That's exactly how I like them salted. Good tip to eat the top of the bagel first. I'm sure many years of frustrated, tasteless bottoms helped you perfect the eating of this baby. Well done Jaylee

Sara said...

Looks delish. Can't wait to try. Screw the gluten/eggs/ and dairy!

Lindsay said...

"Click on the x in the upper right hand corner and begone with you."

Hilarious!!! Once again, you have me laughing OUT LOUD!!!! I don't know if I am brave enough to try your creation, but I think I just gained 5 lbs looking at the finished product!!

Marie said...

Ug, when I reinstalled my computer I lost the link to this. I have been missing all these wonderful post. Must not hit X must continue to read.

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