Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tout petit pain, avec beurre, crème fromage, tomate, et sel

It's time to share with you my all-time favorite meal. I'd like to think I invented this dish. In my short 31 years, I've eaten this meal many times, but it wasn't until I was married that I perfected it, and I am finally ready to impart it's deliciousness.

The official recipe is so aptly named tout petit pain, avec beurre, crème fromage, tomate, et sel. Please set your mouse to scroll, as I have many pictures included in this tutorial. You must follow each step carefully, so as not to disrupt the harmonious nature the ingredients have with one another.

Step 1: Toast an Everything Bagel.


In my earlier years, before my children existed to hinder my carefree nature, I embarked on a bagel tour. My travels took me to many exotic locals: Frys, Bashas, Costco, Chompies, etc. I sampled many different bagels, all subtly different, yet easily distinguishable from one another. I finally settled on the perfect brand to act as my petit pain. It had the ideal ratio of sesame seed to salt, the perfect amount of chewyness, and flawless post-toasted browning. The brand: Thomas; The store: Unlimited: The cost: You can't put a price on perfection. Please, when making this recipe, do it justice; don't buy some flimsy knockoff that will harden as soon as it's out of the toaster. Bagels from a grocery store's bakery have been sitting for days, molested by harmful tongs, and exposed to the hardening air-borne agents. At the very least, make sure you purchase bagels that have been lovingly encased in protective plastic. Chompies runs a close second, although if you purchase the Chompies brand at Costco, you must purchase 2 packages, which is too much for my little family to eat before mold begins to ravage the uneaten, helpless bagels. But I digress. Purchase what you may, but if you find you don't enjoy the dish, you have only yourself to blame.

Step 2: Butter Your Everything Bagel.


The saltier the butter, the better. If using a stick of butter, make sure it's at room temperature. Bagels are delicate flowers, and cannot withstand a pillaging knife trying to spread cold butter.

Step 3: Apply Cream Cheese


Yes, that's right. Apply cream cheese. Apply it right on top of the butter. The creamy in the cream cheese is what gives it a creamier taste. The butter in the butter is what gives it a buttier taste. Add those flavors together and all the world will open up it's marvels before your eyes. Be careful when applying the cream cheese; I suggest you use spreadable cream cheese from the tub, rather than the block. It's much easier to work with, and will do less damage to the bagel. If you must use the block because you're too lazy to go to the store to purchase the tub, you're not good enough to eat this meal, and have no business attempting to recreate this recipe, or read this blog for that matter. Click on the x in the upper right hand corner and begone with you.

Now that they've departed, continue on with your spreading. A nice even coat of cream cheese is all you need.

Step 4: Position Your Tomatoes


Roma tomatoes are the best for this recipe since they are smaller in size and one large Roma tomato, if sliced properly, will be enough to cover both pieces. I've no witty banter regarding the applying of the tomatoes, except that if you lovingly talk to them before laying them down, they may be a lot less likely to cause gastrointestinal (wow, I spelled that right on my first try (hook-ed on pa-honix work-ed for meh! If you have no idea what that means, you must listen to this) issues.

Step 5: Apply The Salt


If upon close inspection, you still can't see the salt, continue shaking.

Step 6: Cautiously Enjoy.

Confucius say "Each bite you take is one less bite you'll have to take."

Before enjoying the fruits of your labor, sit back and admire it's beauty. I usually smell it a bit to activate whatever glandular type objects I have in my mouth.

Step 7: Eat The Correct Piece

Make sure you begin by eating the top of the bagel first. The top of the bagel is the piece that has the bulk of the flavorings that give the Everything Bagel it's Everything. That way, as you're eating oh so carefully over your plate, whatever seasonings fall onto the plate can then be swiped up with the bottom/lesser seasoned/totally neglected side of the bagel.

Now, I'm not totally heartless. I have many friends that are probably saying to themselves "Jaylee, this recipe you've created and shared with me looks so tantalizing, but I'm grappling with my (depending on which friend I'm speaking of) ovo-vegeanism/lactose intolerant/ gluten free/hormonally challenged/just plain weird eater, and I want to enjoy your recipe. Do you possibly have a vegan/lactose free/gluten free/hormonal free/just plain weird version of your recipe?"

Why, yes. Yes I do.


Enjoy you freaks, and go ahead and click on the x in the upper right hand corner.

For all the others out there, be careful. I've been known to take pleasure in two servings of this baby in one sitting. It's my most favorite thing in all the many worlds to eat.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Stupid, stupid, disgusting chickens

It wouldn't stop them even if they knew.

disgusting chicken

Monday, March 16, 2009

Tai Chi and me (plus a few others)

To begin with, I'd like to apologize to several of my friends. They were unfortunately on the receiving end of a few of my grumblings. These grumbles occurred prior to a family vacation, about which I was very apprehensive. The next time I start complaining, please remind me that after the initial stress of planning and preparing, I will have a marvelous time. Or, just redirect me by bringing up a fabulous recipe you invented on the spot involving Doritos and tomatoes.

I was hesitant about this trip because it was going to involve camping and sand in my underwear. Had we planned a trip to the beach, and were staying in a hotel, I would have been singing the sweet song of happiness, rather than the doom and gloom of misery. My largest fear was that my kids would tire of the beach after the first day. I had a friend send me a long list of California activities in case we found ourselves with bored children and nothing to do. To my surprise my children wanted nothing more than to play on the beach. This was fantastic because all I wanted to do was sit on the beach and watch my children play. All was swell and enjoyable. Even the homeless lady who shared our campsite was somewhat comical. She sat in her tiny tent, listened to our conversations, and enjoyed bringing up tidbits from previous exchanges Clint and I had made to each other.  In private. She called the kids and us by our first names, without being formally introduced. She was also very knowledgeable on how to become a state of California resident, raccoons, and resisting arrest. What I'm supposed to do with that 30 minute long awkward conversation, I'm not sure, but maybe someday it'll come in handy. She was loony, but sweet.

During the short 5 day stay, my children joyfully ran away from the waves,

Both at the beach

and I did this.


While my child and a friend steadied each other at the onset of a wave,

Grant and Emma

I reflected on my habit of buttering both sides of my toast, wondering why it hasn't caught on.


While the children did the obligatory 'stay in one spot and let your feet sink into the sand as the wave recedes',


I perfected the Tai Chi art of sitting-stork-wears-sunglasses-with-folded-arms-and-crossed-legs.


While the children bravely let the chilly, icy waves splash on their bare, 1% fat content bodies,


I wondered how much money I would need to be offered before I would drink out of a toilet.


Holes were dug,


in which children were placed,


in which children screamed.


Sand castles were abandoned.

sand castle

"The Duke" was amazingly good at surfing,


as well as amazingly good at aquatic ballet.


To change the balance towards the positive, another Duke surf pic must be displayed.


Clint also tried his hand at surfing.


Just kidding; he wishes he had a red board.

He was much better at doing this,


while I was perfecting this (again),


and the child did this.


A highlight of the vacation was the tide pools. Many an hour of gleeful screaming was spent searching for crabs, snails, sea anemones, and dodging gull poo.

tide pool

The End.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I'm Well On My Way To Hemp Clothing And Smelling Like Patchouli

Compost +


Fertile Dirt +


A Husband's Ripped Jeans (that unfortunately fit me) +


A Bunch Of Vegetables That Look Like Lettuce +


Unhelpful Children +


Two Stupid Chickens =


My Personal Biosphere 3 Minus A Million Dollar Price Tag And The Creepy People Inside