Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My Letter to Emma and Asher

August 12th, 2025

Dear Emma and Asher - Hi guys! How are you doing today? I Love You.

This is somewhat difficult to write, but I feel a need to attach some type of evidence that you did, in fact, participate in most of the standard activities that should occur in a child's lifetime.

I just received some upsetting news, and it appears that I am being blamed for some ongoing anger issues you're both dealing with. Let me just say that I'm shocked and confused that I in any way contributed to your neuroses. I just chalked it up to coincidence that you both have had similar psychiatric diagnosis and happen to be on the same dosage of meds.

I truly did my best to create an enjoyable atmosphere for you to grow up in, but it seemed you tired quickly of trips to Mervyns to watch me try on shoes, and even though I called a day of errands a mommy/daughter/son date, you acted as though you didn't want me to call you back the next morning. After many years of trial and error, I did some searching and came across, what I would venture to call my saving grace, a website entitled www.howtobealazyparentandstillenrichyourchildslifeby
doingtheabsoluteminimumin100simpleactivites.com. It was a lifesaver while raising you little turkeys (come up with a nick name for your child/children was number 54). These pictures attached are number 32, which nagged me for quite some time since I did not have the m
eans to create an atmosphere where you, indeed, could make mud pies. Hooray for a rainy Sunday and a landscaper husband who finally cleared out our backyard! I'm hoping that this letter will suffice for you and your therapist to decide to drop your lawsuit. I just received the summons in the mail along with your unpaid therapy bills and a note from Dr. Zhivago stating that after treating you both, I am being held responsible to pay for your 249 sessions you received from him, the electroshock therapy, and the lobotomies. So, I'm doing what I have done your entire childhood: refer to The List. I'm sorry Emma that I missed number 17 and we didn't get the opportunity to weave pony manes into dozens of tiny braids, or number 70 Asher, which was dress you in a shirt that had a dump truck on it and the phrase "I LIKE TRUCKS!". Asher, as you well know, because I told you every day of your existence, except for today because I haven't spoken with you yet on the phone, I wanted you to be a girl. That's why I dressed you in tutus and headbands, and not shirts that said "Boys will be Boys" with a picture of a boy coloring all over his mother's newly painted walls. But don't you remember number 15 when we flew a kite? I'm sorry there wasn't an actual breeze that day, and maybe if we had waited a bit longer than 7 minutes it would have gotten into the air, but I was really vying to check something off that week, plus my DVR que was full and I had to hurry in and watch at least an hour long show to be able to accommodate all that I had scheduled to record that night. Okay, what about number 43? It was a fun 5 minutes when I taught you both how to tie your shoes. Again, I've already apologized for it many times, but how was I to know that wearing velcro through the 7th grade was cause for embarrassment? I thought 5 minutes was plenty of time to devote to that activity. Remember when we cuddled that one day? Remember when I played half a game of Candyland with you? Remember when you said "I Love You Momma" and I said "Me Too"?

Okay, maybe I'll pay half.

muddy kids

Muddy Asher


Heather said...

love it! does it make me a bad mom if I let my daughter do this in public- at an outdoor restaurant in gilbert?

Rachel said...

I am simultaneously jealous and laughing.

Crystal said...

Jaylee you are such a gifted writer that I can't stand it! You are so witty and funny that I almost fall out of my chair laughing. The velcro shoe part got me because I just found out the other day that Derek doesn't know how to tie a shoe. How did I miss that one? He's 7 and I never taught him because like you said he wears velcro and Sunday's I'm in too big of a hurry that I tie his shoes for him. I feel I should get the bad mom award. You're doing great.

Anonymous said...


Sara said...

Any mom that would let her kids out there in that mud gets an A in my book! (My kid doesn't know how to tie her shoes, either. I don't have time for that!_

H said...

Velcro shoes until 2nd grade baby! Unless they are really ready, don't give yourself nightmares and one more thing to stress about.

How much more fun would the backyard have been if Clint had not cleaned up back there?!

Monique said...

Hmm, I don't know why my first grader was compelled to tie his shoes on his own in kindergarten. I can't think of anyone in our family that has compulsive issues...

Love your blog, you truly are a gifted writer (and you're funny too). :)